I’m delighted to share my interview with post-adoption advocate and adoptive mom Susan TeBos, whose new book has been described as “candid, unfiltered stories about how it feels to be a teen adoptee.” As the adoptive mom to two young adults myself, I always appreciate insight into the experience by those who live it. Welcome Susan TeBos!
Jessica O’Dwyer: Congratulations on publishing We’ve Been There: True Stories, Surprising Insights, and Aha Moments for Adopted Teens. What motivated you to write the book and how did you go about soliciting adoptees to participate?
Susan TeBos: The idea came from a small group study of The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. In this study, I led other adoptive moms through the chapters, which are eye-opening as you may know. We talked about the information Nancy presented and processed it in light of our teens. We often said we wished there was a voice who could communicate many of these things with our adopted teens, since at this age they don’t really want to hear their parents’ voices. Peers came to mind. I began reaching out to my adoption network to see who might want to talk about their experience as a teen and being relinquished.
As I waded into this project and met with young adults, it became clear it was best to speak with adoptees just a few steps ahead of their teen counterparts. This population could speak into the hearts and minds of the younger ones with their experiences, thoughts, encouragement, recommendations, and hope. The network fanned out as people shared my post. Those who were open to being interviewed were ready. Those who started the process and backed away were not ready.
JOD: Did you notice any patterns in responses to your questions?
STB: Patterns emerged no matter which country they were adopted from: Things like wanting to meet their birth mother, questioning why, feeling they didn’t fit in or belong. Some had abandonment or attachment challenges. The range of responses confirmed that there is a continuum of response ranging from simply I love my family and Sure I’d like to know who my birth parents are to suicidal thoughts and mental health challenges and everything in between.
JOD: Much wisdom is contained in these pages. One observation really struck me, said by eighteen-year-old Ana, adopted from Guatemala at ten months old: “I have an irrational fear of being abandoned again….I was given up, and even though I know it was a poverty thing, it affects the way I let people in. When people leave, it triggers a deep-down feeling of loss and rejection and uncertainty.” Did any other observations in particular resonate for you?
STB: Ana’s story was so eye-opening. In “Brave,” Matt’s story, I was blown away when he spoke to his baby-self, reassuring his inner child that he would indeed be alright. In “The Best of Him,” when Zuri realized she was isolating, which only exacerbated her mental health condition. “In Permission to Grieve,” when Kira recognized she needed to grieve her birth father. Each story has a nugget of wisdom. It’s comforting.
JOD: Many of the adoptees you interviewed say their deep faith in God has helped sustain them through difficult times. What advice or insights might be offered to teens who don’t share the same faith yet are struggling?
STB: Indeed, many storytellers found themselves saying I can hold sorrow and trust God at the same time. They found our Creator could be trusted. It surfaced organically. Others were open to talk therapy and confiding in a trusted ally. However, some adoptees do not have the words to describe their unspoken fears, anger or sadness. Those who isolated did poorly. Opening up was always recommended. Some had waves of thoughts and emotions that would come and go. When those waves approach, my daughter often journals her thoughts or draws. Dylan, in “Onward,” had to learn how to use his emotions since he was stuck in anger mode. He worked with a psychologist. It was always beneficial to be open to help. Some find it hard to trust and that makes it difficult to open up.
JOD: As a writer myself, I’m always interested in process. And as an adoptive mother, I’m also interested in how one holds the deep emotions that may surface when mining the past. How did it feel for you as editor and adoptive mother to collect these first-person accounts?
STB: Being an adoptive mom of three, I was familiar with what many adopted teens go through. Meeting with these amazing young people who had experienced a unique loss and were doing the work to accept that loss, was inspiring. As a writer, I had my work cut out for me because I was both listening and observing, trying to get a true picture of who this person is and what they had experienced. The collection of stories proves humanity’s resilience.
JOD: In your conclusion, you state that the reader might notice one “quirky detail” about the book, that the “gritty details are missing.” What led you to this choice?
STB: The simple answer would be eliminating the gritty details kept the book length manageable. The hard reality is that it took years of work for some to gain a grip on their fear or anxiety or depression. We didn’t want to minimize the process, so we added this disclaimer. We didn’t want to mislead anyone that any of this is a quick fix.
JOD: Any other words of wisdom?
STB: Lean into a mentor who is an adopted young adult in the making. For example, someone from a college who has an adoption club or through an adoption support network. Another way is to find an online adoption group like the group started by Isabela Townsend on Facebook, “Teens Adopted from Guatemala,” for teens ages thirteen to eighteen.
My book is full of mentor voices. Wouldn’t it be helpful if more mentors would step up and personally support and encourage those who are growing up just a few years behind them?
JOD: What’s next for Susan TeBos? Is there another book in your future?
STB: I’m currently on a radio book tour, leading book studies, speaking, encouraging, and trying to figure out how to do life with my three young adult kids with my husband Mike. This is my second book and they seem to pop up when my kids need them.
Jessica O’Dwyer is adoptive mother to two young adults and author of Mamalita: An Adoption Memoir.